02 April 2006

an open letter to the species

Dear humankind:

I’ve just spent a half hour surfing through (well, “past”) a few dozen random blogs, and I’ve come to a few conclusions, most all of which I know are 1) sure to improve the world, and 2) anticipated with great excitement wordwide.

[Yes, kids—that was “irony.” Look for it in writing of every qualitative grade here online. In the online realm, irony is a sign of intelligence. Pre-pubescent sarcasm is the hallmark of world class wit. Bored detachment is evidence of heartfelt concern. Blasé world-weary exhaustion and pompous contempt are proof positive of worldliness and total commitment. “Bite me.”]

Now, I understand and accept the potential hypocrisy of ragging on self-involved blogs by posting on a self-involved blog. I am guilty like you on that score. We all suck, and we all deserve a knee to the groin for our pathetic onanistic auto-fellation here on these blogs. But seriously—what the hell is going on out there?

Are there really that many Portuguese speakers online? When I follow the random link thingy on my blogger page, I’m always surprised at how many Portugueezers I bump onto (and what IS the preferred good naturedly dismissive term for a Portuguese person? “Lis-bunnies”? “Portos”? Help me, people...). Yeah, yeah, I know there are a lot of folks in Brazil, and a lot of them speak Portuguese, but there’s a lot more people in India, and so far I’ve not bumpd into many sites written in Hindi.

Is anyone truly thinking that the world gives half a crap about your political treatises and manifestos? I blame The Daily Show and Dennis Miller for this sad situation. Gravy sucking lumps of inconsequentiality sit at home on reclining sectionals, remote control in one hand and a tube of Pringle’s in the other and guffaw as some smart alecky host busts on some political story while a humorously ill-timed photo of some leader shines over their shoulder. High-larious. And surely the world needs even MORE pillow-sharp commentary from someone who’s crowning political achievement was once coming in a close second in the election for Student Council Sergeant-At-Arms a decade ago at Jethro T. Sumpbucket High School in Pisswater, Kentucky. I’m not suggesting that anyone doesn’t have a right to an opinion, but come on, gang: if you’re going to avail yourself of that right, then it’s just plain old fashioned good manner to not waste our time by serving up the verbal equivalent of warm drool. “George W. Bush is so STUPID!!!!!!” is not exactly up there with Swift’s A Modest Proposal, know what I mean? Linking to Bill O’Reilly’s site and copy-pasting some cute line from William F. Buckley doesn’t exactly mean that you get automatic credit for understanding anything. I’m increasingly of the opinion that anyone who feels a need to post their political notions online ought be barred from doing so. If we as a nation find that we are somehow “one opinion short” of the load of BS needed to form a workable meme, we’ll get in touch with you,. ‘Til then, stick to talking about your cat, or your loneliness, or some stuff you bought at Wal Mart. Thanks.

When did we as a culture jump the shark and become a nation of Reality Show rejects? Lord. When I surf around, I am stunned by how many sluts, hoes, crackheads, food court gangstas and general non-categorized dipshits I see hell-bent on not just exhibiting their stupidity, but absolutely crowing about it at the top of their lungs. Dean Vernon Wormer once told us ”Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son.” But apparently “buff, drunk and stupid” works just fine. At least, if you swing through MySpace that’s sure the message you’ll hear. Most females looks like they are hoping to land a guest shot on Girls Gone Wild, while most males look like they are at an open casting call for “The Marky Mark Story.” Most confusing. Whenever I go to Target or The Gap, I see lots of pants and shirts being offered for sale, yet if online profiles are to be believed precious little of that clothing is being purchased and worn. And don’t think I’m some pious old fuddy duddy—I like half-naked beautiful hotties as much as any middle-aged father of four needs to (actually, more than he needs to, but it’s not a problem—I can control it. I swear, your honor...)—but gimme a slight freakin’ break... if EVERYONE out there living La Vida Loca and dancing naked in slow motion mosh pits like that god-awful Matrix sequel, then just who exactly is holding the handle on our Hell-bound handbasket? The Spicoli-sounding granola-munching Birkenstockers and/or the Young Republican Hitler Youth WASPs? The blobby gray middle-roaders religiously watching American Idol while munching on a homemade Chex mix of Paxil, Dexatrim, and Viagra? And we wonder why our government seems like a mess? Morons to the left of me, morons to the right....

Look, I know that variety is the spice of life. I accept that people have divergent tastes and opinions and dreams and hopes and fears and fantasies. I celebrate the fact that we live in an age when so many fascinating personalities (again: “irony”) can so easily bump virtual uglies through fat-pipe connections. I’m sure we as a species are tremendously served by the ability of mainstream Americans to use the most amazing communication medium yet developed just to say things like “U L00K HOT” and “ROFLMAO!!!!” Future generations will no doubt look back at this specific moment in time and say “gosh I miss those great old days of yesteryear...”

Uh huh. Sure.

And I’m a little teapot, short and stout.

confused concerned conflated B