19 November 2005

Brett hates this title

Recently I've seen a few different blogs mentioning an amusing variation of the now-classic "vanity Google." Instead of merely Googling up your name to see what oddly off-topic references you can find, you enter a search string such as "Brett wants" or "Brett needs," and then you kick back and revel in the high-larity of the first dozen or so mostly random nonsensical returns Google tosses your way.

Being the nasty evil bastardly soul that I am, I of course decided to Google up "Brett hates" just to see what I might find:

Brett hates name dropping so we won’t mention his stints on Law and Order, Comedy Central ...
Scary how true this one is. Yes, I'm am beloved the world over for my brief yet memorable stint as "The Whacky Neighbor" on a slew of mid-90's TV shows.

Brett hates Dutch now because Dutch totally fucked him over in some kind of ...
But the Dutch are nothing compared to those dirty thieving Belgians (or "sprouts", as I prefer to call them).

Brett hates emo, and emo fags, as do the other members of his band. He is an artist. He destroys Dan at art ...
And I am here to tell you that Dan is none too happy at this state of affairs.

Brett hates it ...
I like this one. "What do you hate?" "Oh, I dunno — whaddya got?" Somehow both vague and specific at the same time.

Brett hates it when I remind him that I changed his diapers ...
"And who doesn't"?

Brett hates Microsoft, everyone knows that :) ...
OK, this one might have actually been referring to me as opposed to some other mysterious Dutch-hating Dan-destroying dude by the same name...

Brett hates you obviously. Go change. I'm not taking you anywhere with that shirt ...
Seriously — have you seen the shirt>? Chairman Kaga from Iron Chef wouldn't try the thing on, saying it seemed "a bit much, don;t you think?" 'Nuff fuckin' said, bubba.

Brett hates George's cut of the film ...
George is a hack. George has no eye. George could find the narrative heart of the story if he had a compass, a birddog, a funnel, and trail of bread crumbs. George watches lots of mid-60s Russian sci-fi. George is not a man you would leave your children with. George is not a man you would leave your goldfish with. George is not a man you feel entirely comfortable leaving George with. But George has an editing rig, and he works cheap. So we will work with George as best we can.

Brett hates me which is probably good but so do some of his friends ...
This one started so well, too. The idea that antipathy from me might be viewed as an absolute positive... somehow that makes me feel warm and gooey all over. But then they go and bugger it up by suggesting that I have friends, and I've never been a huge fan of fantasy fiction.

Brett hates this, Brett thinks this is boring, Brett can't wait until this is over, Brett hates his room, Brett hates the food, Brett likes the bar ...
*DING DING DING* We have a winner. For most of this line it seems as though Brett hates a great deal (hey — "cest moi," n'est-ce pas?), but just when you think it's all going to be dark and gloomful, BLAMMO here comes that tiny glimmer of joyful hope to help give the dark something to contrast against: "Brett likes the bar."

Damned straight, skippy.

Set 'em up, Joe, and play "Walkin' The Floor."
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B

1 comment:

Julie O. said...

You're such fun when you're perky, B.